柯南作为国民级喜剧名人 + 老牌校友受邀哈佛大学 2026届本科生毕业典礼致辞，柯南美国传奇深夜脱口秀主持人、喜剧编剧、哈佛1985届本科毕业生（古典文学专业），正宗哈佛校友；常年深耕喜剧、综艺、纪录片，配音《玩具总动员 5》是演讲当期宣传节点。
以下为中文演讲全文：
各位校董、院长、教职员工、校友、毕业生、家属，各位荣誉学位获得者、司法部探员，还有挨个递送备忘录的优步司机们：站在这群未来顶尖英才面前，我可以笃定地说，世上再也没有比学士帽配学位袍更拉垮的穿搭了。
我们台上这群人，活像《哈加德》里炼制魔药的教授，这场面宛如德鲁伊教徒的戒酒互助会。首先感谢加伯校长悉心陪伴本届毕业生走完求学路，干得漂亮，真的很棒。
换作往常，我本该给你们全员 A+，但遵照哈佛即将落地的新规，我统一把所有人成绩改成 C-。
相信我，这么做全是为了学校好。
我的发言会尽量简短，毕竟麻省理工今天也办毕业典礼，我得给你们留出十五分钟先机去找工作。
河对岸那群理工呆子，根本想不到马上就要被你们卷没饭碗。
顺带一则小通知：典礼结束后，派拉塞尔俱乐部的龙舌兰我全包，所有人都来！
直接推门进去，报我名字柯南就行，店家都通情达理。
站在这座气派的百年纪念剧场里，我忽然冒出一个念头：也就哈佛人，能把这片杂草丛生的破草坪叫作百年殿堂。瞧瞧这片庭院，放眼望去全是参差不齐的荒草。哈佛向来如此，能用五十美元价位的生僻词，绝不选用五美元的通俗字眼。
能重回这个我上一次用上 “无疑问（queryless）” 这个词的地方，实在荣幸。当年我就站在那边的窗边，找人打听这个词的释义，好在答疑的是耶鲁学子，不得不说耶鲁学生学识过硬。
当然咱们不必刻意贬低其他常春藤院校，八所藤校里除了普林斯顿，剩下七所都称得上顶尖学府，普林斯顿那群人属实一言难尽。
站在这里，无数校园回忆涌上心头，尤其是我心心念念的马瑟宿舍楼。
马瑟宿舍楼得名于哈佛前校长英克瑞斯・马瑟，此人因参与塞勒姆猎巫审判臭名昭著；但凡你们去过别的宿舍楼住上一天就懂，当年的女巫们算是复仇成功了 —— 这楼丑得离谱。
恕我直言，干脆推倒重建算了。
玩笑归玩笑，哈佛仍是美国建校最早、名望最高的高等学府，在座是建校以来第 375 届毕业生。
1642 年首届毕业班仅有 9 名学生，离谱的是，这九个人全靠世袭保送入学。全美没有哪所大学，走出过更多诺奖得主，也没有哪所培育过数量相当的白领罪犯。所以无论你们今后择善而行或是误入歧途，都出自全美最顶尖的一批人。
今日校方为十三所下属学院授予荣誉，我向每一位师生致敬，自然也包括哈佛牙科学院。哈佛牙医叮嘱你 “漱口别吞咽” 时，都要用拉丁文授课。之前牙医学院还调侃我，只要我专程致谢，就免费帮我做七年牙科护理。
为备好今天的致辞，我专程去教务办公室打听你们当下最关心的烦心事，得到的答案哭笑不得：洗衣免费后，大家一门心思钻研洗衣服；吐槽食堂鲜莓供应不足；不满部分食堂不提供热早餐；更发愁肯尼迪学院停掉了免费咖啡。
倘若这就是你们最大的烦恼，我属实无语，这些牢骚放在野外，连棕熊抱怨野果不够吃都比你们格局大。
在继续演讲前，有件事不得不提：求学数年里，你们听了无数年长白人男性授课；好不容易熬到毕业离校，哈佛偏要补上最后一课 —— 又找来一个老白男。我毕业距今四十一年，肤色白得离谱，背光站着都能看清颧骨轮廓。
虽说年纪偏大、肤色发白，但我有幸跻身历届哈佛演讲嘉宾之列：诺奖得主、各国元首、民权领袖都曾站上这个讲台。
前辈们功绩斐然，但全天下只有我，为皮克斯《玩具总动员 5》配音了一款名叫 “小聪明” 的如厕训练玩偶，影片 6 月 19 日全球上映。丘吉尔可没这履历，默克尔倒是试镜过，可惜试映结果显示她长相会吓坏小朋友。
我四十年前毕业，但你们的校园生活和 1981 年的我别无二致。当年我给宿舍座机接超长电话线，一边和好友聊《霹雳游侠》，一边煮便当；也曾因为忙着给史密斯科罗纳打字机购置游戏卡带，弄丢吃豆人排行榜名次。我们被跨越时代的共同回忆紧紧联结。
我清楚当下你们正遭遇前所未有的难题，人工智能便是其一。不过万幸，AI 在哈佛掀不起风浪：教授们靠着同款 AI 批改软件，轻松揪出论文代写作弊的学生，供需闭环完美自洽。
别焦虑，AI 取代不了你们，它们忙着淘汰普林斯顿出来的那群家伙呢。
眼下哈佛面临一大难题：美国联邦政府正起诉本校。很多人以为我今天是来为哈佛辩护，可惜要让各位失望了，我非但不反对诉讼，还要正式宣布：我也要起诉哈佛！
我要起诉哈佛，索赔大一入学那架铸铁铁架床，这床严苛到被海牙国际法庭收录为酷刑器具；
起诉哈佛不合理排课，上午九点的课在科学中心，十点的课却要横穿校园去士兵运动场上课，当年我还是个孩子；
起诉哈佛毁掉我不尽人意的本科感情生活，就因为宿舍只装一面镜子，想三人约会都要额外添置镜子；
起诉哈佛，当年被迫听哈佛鳄鱼合唱团花八分钟改编《Splish Splash》，每位成员轮流独唱，折磨到我只想泡澡避难；
最后一条控诉绝对属实：大二春天我去亚当斯楼吃午饭，菜单上有道 “本船长鱼肉意面”，时至今日我都搞不懂本船长是谁，更想不通为什么有人能把军用鳕鱼和意面混在一起。哈佛，咱们法庭见！
我自认我的起诉理由，比美国总统提起的诉讼更站得住脚。
现任政府觉得哈佛招收太多国际生，这话似乎不无道理。可仔细想想，外来移民为美国文明带来了什么？音乐、文学、美术、美食、时装、建筑、舞蹈、科研突破，乃至整个美国的道德根基，全都离不开外来者。
说真的，要是没有外来文明融入，我们如今只能听乏味的加尔文雷鬼乐、吃英国国教风味炖菜、跳路德教派禁忌又奔放的伦巴舞。
当然，我来不只是为了拿母校开玩笑，虽说开玩笑确实是主要目的，但我发自内心深爱哈佛，它彻底改写了我的人生。
当年我告诉卧病在床、一辈子无缘大学的奶奶，我被哈佛录取时，她喜极而泣，那是我此生最幸福的瞬间。顺带一提，我当时一屁股坐到了她腿上，她落泪一半是疼，一半是欣喜。
1985 年我坐在台下参加自己的毕业典礼，我真切体会你们寒窗苦读换来毕业的喜悦，你们完全值得为此骄傲。
当年我满心期盼，哈佛学历能成为别人认识我的第一标签；历经岁月浮沉后，我反倒乐于让哈佛变成旁人最后才想起的标签。
这话绝非贬低哈佛，名校光环向来是一把双刃剑。我早年主持深夜脱口秀时没有互联网，大众提起柯南・奥布莱恩，第一印象永远是哈佛毕业生。这个标签放在哲学家、物理学家身上是加分项，但对喜剧演员堪称噩耗。观众一度调侃我的节目全名该叫《深夜秀：这人自认高人一等》，可惜名字太长印不下宣传 T 恤。
数十年过去，如今没人再一听见我的名字就联想到哈佛。我产出上万小时喜剧内容，没有半点精英名校的影子：上《辣口挑战》把辣酱抹在乳头、和凯文・哈特上街买大麻、在美国女孩玩偶商店喝到酩酊大醉，成名前各类出格的事我全做过，如今还要化身皮克斯的如厕玩偶。
在座有人会疑惑：这都是喜剧人的经历，和我有什么关系？打住，我还在演讲！
每个人的际遇各不相同，但我悟出：一纸哈佛文凭带来的成就，唯有恪守三条人生准则，才能褪去光环束缚，活出真正的价值。
第一，永远铭记，所有成就从不是一己之功。惠特曼写过 “我包罗万象”，我顶多随身装着三明治与咖啡，但我所有的成绩，离不开一整车数不清的贵人相助。如果把所有帮助过我的在世之人、已故之人请到现场，整个剑桥市区、半个奥斯汀都会挤满亲友、编剧、制片、黑粉、粉丝，以及无数萍水相逢的过客。
认清成就不属于独自所有，既能让人常怀谦逊，遇事出错时，也能合理分摊责任。
第二条人生箴言：学会及时变通。我的职业生涯一路不断修正方向，人生轨迹弯弯曲曲、几经转折。我曾痛失视作毕生归宿的工作，没过多久，我深耕半生的深夜电视行业整体业态崩塌。听从挚友建议，我从零做起开发播客，靠着嘉宾、搭档和嗜好吃软糖的助理，打造出一档热爱程度不亚于老牌深夜秀的作品。常年随机应变，让我彻底爱上变通，以至于我日常聊天、毕业典礼致辞总把 “变通” 挂在嘴边。
第三，正视运气在人生里的分量。刻意无视运气对成功的加持，本质是自欺。太多人把好运当成自身天赋出众，克制这份人性弱点，才让我守住清醒。
常怀同理心、拥抱意外际遇、坚守谦卑之心，造就了我丰盈的人生，这份富足远胜过一纸文凭。我不是劝各位舍弃过往成就，而是学着消化光环：看淡过往荣光，善良、创意、勇气、幽默与人性，才有生长的空间。
我二十四年走遍各国拍摄旅行纪录片，从古巴、加纳、韩国、亚美尼亚、大半个欧洲，到阿根廷、泰国、墨西哥、格陵兰岛，在格陵兰我甚至冲进房产中介，扬言要买下整座岛屿。身处异国、语言不通时，没人在乎你的名校出身，你只能放下身段主动交友。旅行教会我最重要的一课：坦然接受自己事事笨拙。
我在全世界各个国家跳过蹩脚的舞蹈，当地人开怀大笑，原来每个民族家里，都少不了一个舞技糟糕的亲友。谦卑偶尔会变成当众出糗，但出糗同样是宝贵财富。三周前在阿姆斯特丹，我扮成梵高闯进梵高博物馆，当众索要周边分成，控诉自己生前一分钱稿费没赚到，最后被安保架走，被全场游客取笑，可所有人脸上都是笑意，没有一人脱口而出：“这人可是哈佛毕业生。”
在东京拜师学习日式礼仪，礼仪老师直言我不合她审美，理由只有三个字：长相差；受邀前往加纳阿散蒂王室，却被太后赶出王宫，只因她追的肥皂剧要开播了。
当下推崇自大自恋，宣扬共情是软弱、本国独霸天下，在这样的时代倡导谦逊与人联结，实在不合潮流。我们兜里的智能手机算法，不断吹捧独一无二的自我，人人困在自我的小世界里。打破孤岛的解药很简单：放下名校头衔带来的优越感，我们才能真诚靠近彼此，不为刻意标榜高尚，只为收获欢笑、爱意与成长。
我也日日和自负博弈：此刻站在台上，披着中世纪教皇风礼服、收下本不该凭空得来的荣誉博士学位，转头劝你们看淡功名，听着着实双标。我的节目名称全以我本人冠名：《柯南深夜秀》《柯南今夜秀》《柯南秀》《柯南缺个朋友》《柯南必须走人》，我还曾极力想把今天的毕业典礼冠名《柯南主持哈佛毕业大典，主演：柯南・奥布莱恩》。
明明嘴上劝大家看淡荣誉，拿到博士头衔我却一秒都没想过推辞。我的外公初二辍学养家，在马萨诸塞西部当交警，他的人生信条是：到手的好处全收下，有机会再多薅一点。这位老人也是我人生贵人之一，为了纪念他，我坦然收下荣誉博士，顺便问问加伯校长，学位能不能顺带折现。
我和在座各位一样，仍在终身成长。但今天分享的人生信条，实实在在丰富了我的人生。
我的祝愿不是让哈佛变成别人最后想起你的标签，而是让哈佛成为最无关紧要的标签。
真正的教育从毕业这一刻启程：在新老朋友的陪伴里，在高光成功与惨痛挫败中，学着接纳：你的不凡，恰恰源于人生的一地鸡毛，而非摆脱琐碎。
由衷祝贺 2026 届全体毕业生！
不为这一纸毕业证书，为你们的汗水、毅力、善良，以及你们正在、未来即将构筑的广阔人际。
愿我们带着这份初心一路前行，别忘了 6 月 19 日走进影院观看《玩具总动员 5》。谢谢大家！
英文全文：
Conan O’Brien Harvard Commencement Speech (Revised & Polished English Version, fixed typos/original misspellings, retains original casual speech & jokes)
Good morning, trustees, deans, faculty, alumni, graduating students, families, my fellow honorary degree recipients, Department of Justice agents, and every Uber driver out there dropping off memos. Looking out at this crowd of tomorrow’s greatest minds, I can confidently say there is no less flattering outfit than cap and gown.
We all look like potion professors straight out of some dark fantasy up here on this stage; this whole event feels like an AA meeting for druids. I want to thank President Garber for his incredible stewardship of this graduating class. Fantastic job, really nice work.
Normally I would hand all of you an A-plus, but in keeping with Harvard’s upcoming policy changes, I’m adjusting every single grade down to a C-minus.Trust me, it’s for the good of the school.
I’ll keep my remarks brief, because MIT’s commencement falls on the exact same day, and I want to give you a fifteen-minute head start on your job hunt.Those nerds down by the river won’t know what’s coming for them.
A quick side announcement: after the ceremony, tequila shots are on me over at the Piscellian Club. Everyone’s invited! Just walk right in, give them my name—Conan—and they’ll let you in. They’re an understanding bunch.
Standing here inside this beautiful Centenary Theatre, one thought immediately strikes me.Only a Harvard institution could call this patchy, scraggly stretch of lawn a Centenary Theatre.Just look at this uneven yard full of ragged grass all around us. Leave it to Harvard: why use a five-dollar word when an overpriced fifty-dollar synonym exists?
It’s wonderful to be back at the very last place I ever used the obscure word “queryless” in a sentence.Right over there near that big bay window, I once asked someone what the term meant.Luckily the person knew the definition, and they turned out to be a Yale student. Those Yale folks are sharp, I’ll admit.
Now let’s not unfairly denigrate our peer Ivy League schools. Let’s be honest: all seven other Ivies are worthy institutions—except Princeton. Those Princeton people are absolute tools.
As I stand on this stage, so many warm memories of this campus flood my mind, especially my beloved Mather House.Mather House was named after Increase Mather, an early Harvard president infamous for his role in the Salem Witch Trials. Anyone who’s spent more than an hour living in any other dorm will tell you the accused witches definitely got their revenge—this building is genuinely ugly.I’m sorry, but tear it down and start over.
We joke around about our alma mater all we want, but Harvard remains America’s oldest and most prestigious center of higher education, and you make up our 375th graduating class today.
Did you know Harvard’s very first graduating class back in 1642 had only nine students? Somehow, every single one of those nine was a legacy admit. No other university in this country has produced more Nobel laureates or high-profile white-collar criminals.Whether you go on to do great good or questionable evil in life, rest assured you’re among the very best educated people anywhere.
Harvard honors thirteen distinguished constituent schools today, and I salute every single one of them—including, of course, the Harvard School of Dental Medicine. Let me tell you, when Harvard’s dental professors tell you “rinse and spit,” they deliver that line entirely in Latin. The dental school promised me free dental care for seven full years if I gave them a shoutout today, so here we are.
I took today’s speaking duty seriously. To prepare for this address, I reached out to the provost’s office to learn your biggest concerns, and what I found was ridiculous: you’re obsessed with free campus laundry after the university waived fees; you complain about limited fresh berry stock at dining halls; you’re upset some dining locations skip hot breakfast; and you’re alarmed the Kennedy School cut free complimentary coffee.
If these truly are your biggest grievances, you sicken me. Half these complaints sound like something a hungry brown bear would grumble about over missing wild berries.
Before I continue, one important observation: you’ve spent your entire academic career being lectured to by countless older white men. Now, minutes away from walking out the door with your degree, Harvard says “not so fast”—we’ve tracked down one more. I graduated forty-one years ago; I’m not just white, I’m shockingly pale. You can practically see my bones if I step into indirect sunlight.
I may be old and fair-skinned, but I fit right in with the long list of Nobel Prize winners, heads of state and civil rights icons who’ve delivered this commencement speech over the decades.
All those past speakers accomplished historic things, but I’m the only one among them voicing a talking potty-training toy called Smarty Pants in the upcoming Toy Story 5, hitting theaters worldwide June 19. Would Winston Churchill ever pull that off? Absolutely not. Former German Chancellor Angela Merkel auditioned for the role, but test audiences said she terrified small children.
I graduated forty years back, yet your campus experience isn’t all that different from my 1981 college days. Like you, I had to run an extra-long cord on my dorm telephone so I could cook microwave meals while chatting with friends about Mr. T. Like you, I know the agony of dropping down the Ms. Pac-Man leaderboard because I was too busy buying new ribbon cartridges for my Smith-Corona typewriter. These little shared quirks bind our generations together.
I fully understand the unprecedented challenges your cohort faces today, AI chief among them. Fortunately, AI is barely a hassle here at Harvard. Professors easily spot student AI cheating thanks to the same advanced AI grading software they use to mark essays. Everything balances out neatly.
And don’t panic: trust me when I say artificial intelligence will never replace you. It’ll be far too busy replacing graduates coming out of Princeton anyway.
Arguably Harvard’s biggest ongoing issue right now is the United States federal government suing the university. Plenty assumed I came here to defend Harvard in court, but they’re wrong. Not only do I have no intention of defending against these lawsuits, I’m officially joining them: I’m suing Harvard too.
I’m suing Harvard over the cast-iron bunk bed waiting for me freshman year at age sixteen, a bed so brutally uncomfortable it’s been seized by The Hague as an instrument of cruel and unusual punishment.I’m suing Harvard for scheduling a 9 a.m. class at the Science Center and a 10 a.m. class all the way across campus at Soldiers Field; I was just a kid back then!I’m suing Harvard for my underwhelming undergraduate dating life, all because my dorm only installed one single mirror and I needed a second to pull off group hangouts.I’m suing Harvard after enduring an eight-minute cover of Splish Splash performed by the Harvard Krokodiloes, with every member taking an unskippable solo; I fled straight to take a bath afterward out of suffering.Last, and this part is 100% true: during my sophomore spring, I grabbed lunch at Adams House and was served a menu item named Captain Ben’s Fish Spaghetti. To this day I have no clue who Captain Ben is, nor why anyone would mix government-issued cod with spaghetti. Harvard, I’ll see you all in court.
I firmly believe my lawsuit holds more legal merit than the sitting U.S. president’s ongoing litigation against the school.
The current administration claims Harvard admits far too many international students, and some might think they have a point. But stop to ask: what have foreign-born people ever contributed to American culture?Well there’s music, literature, fine art, cuisine, fashion, architecture, dance, groundbreaking scientific discovery, and the core foundations of our national moral code—basically everything that makes our country unique.
Honestly, without outside cultural influence flooding in, we’d all be listening to dull Calvinist reggae, eating bland Anglican stew, and dancing the forbidden, provocative Lutheran Lambada right now.
Make no mistake: I didn’t travel here solely to crack jokes about my alma mater. Okay, joking was my primary motivation, but I truly love this university; it completely changed my life.
I once told my bedridden grandmother, a woman who never got the chance to attend college, that I’d been accepted to Harvard, and watching her burst into happy tears ranks as one of my happiest memories. For context, I accidentally sat directly on her leg mid-conversation, so half her tears were from pain, half pure joy.
I sat exactly where you do now for my own commencement back in 1985, so I genuinely comprehend how much relentless hard work it took for each of you to reach graduation day. You deserve immense pride, just like I felt all those years ago.
On my commencement day, I hoped my Harvard diploma would be the first thing people associated with my name. After decades in entertainment, I’m perfectly fine with Harvard being the very last detail people mention about me.
This is in no way an insult to Harvard; prestigious credentials, no matter how hard-earned, are always a double-edged sword. When I started hosting late-night television before the internet existed, the only public fact anyone knew about Conan O’Brien was my Harvard background. That reputation works wonders for philosophers or physicists, but it’s a death sentence for a working comedian. Viewers joked my show should’ve been titled Late Night with the Guy Who Thinks He’s Better Than You, yet the title was too long to fit on merch shirts.
Decades later, Harvard rarely crosses anyone’s mind when they hear my name. I’ve produced tens of thousands of hours of comedy content, none of which screams elite Ivy League schooling. I’m the guy who ate super-hot sauce on his nipples for Hot Ones, shopped for cannabis alongside Kevin Hart, got blackout drunk inside an American Girl doll store, and pulled countless absurd stunts long before signing on to voice a Pixar potty-training toy.
Some of you might think, “That’s all fine for a comedian, Conan—how does this apply to my future?” Hold your interruptions; I’m still delivering a commencement address!
Your individual paths will differ from mine, yet I’ve learned any standout milestone like a Harvard degree softens in meaningful importance once you live by three core life principles.
First: constantly remind yourself you accomplish nothing entirely alone. Walt Whitman wrote “I contain multitudes”; I contain a breakfast sandwich and good coffee from a local café, but every win I’ve earned comes thanks to an endless cast of people. If I could invite every living and deceased person who helped get me onto this commencement stage today, all of Cambridge and half of Austin would be packed shoulder-to-shoulder with family, friends, writers, producers, critics, fans and millions of random strangers I’ve crossed paths with.
Acknowledging success is collaborative keeps me grounded, and it also lets me split the blame evenly whenever things go wrong.
Second vital lesson: learn to pivot fast. My career has forced constant course correction; my professional path is a tangled mess of unexpected twists and turns. I once lost a dream job I’d poured my heart into, then watched the entire late-night television format I’d dedicated my career to slowly vanish from mainstream media. On a trusted friend’s advice, I built a podcast from scratch. With help from guests, creative partners and an assistant obsessed with gummy candy, I built a show I love just as much, if not more, than my old late-night program. I’ve pivoted so many times I’ve grown fond of the word, overusing it in casual chats and graduation speeches alike.
Third: always acknowledge how massive a role pure luck plays in every person’s success. Refusing to recognize good fortune is just willful ignorance. Far too many people confuse a lucky break with unmatched personal genius, and fighting that human bias keeps me humble and sane.
Genuine community, spontaneous adventure and consistent humility built a richer life for me than any university diploma ever could. I’m not urging you to reject your achievements outright—instead, learn to metabolize them. Carry your victories lightly, and space opens up for kindness, creativity, bravery, humor and humanity to grow.
I picked up some of my best life lessons across twenty-four years of international travel for my documentary series. I’ve humiliated myself in Cuba, Ghana, South Korea, Armenia, most of Europe, Argentina, Thailand, Mexico and Greenland—where I once wandered into a local real estate office and tried to purchase the entire island.
When traveling abroad without fluency in the local language, nobody cares which college you attended, forcing you to connect with people honestly. That’s where I learned to embrace being bad at new things.
I’ve danced terribly in every single country I’ve visited, and locals laugh warmly because every family worldwide counts at least one terrible dancer among their relatives. Humility often tips into public embarrassment on these trips, and embarrassment turns out to be an incredibly valuable life tool. Three weeks ago in Amsterdam, I dressed as Vincent van Gogh, marched into the Van Gogh Museum and loudly demanded royalty payments for merchandise, complaining I earned zero money during my lifetime. Museum security dragged me out, tourists mocked my silly stunt, yet everyone smiled—not a single person said, “Look, that Harvard graduate made a fool of himself.”
In Tokyo, I took Japanese etiquette lessons; my instructor flat-out said I wasn’t her type, and when I asked why, she simply replied, “Your face.” In Ghana, after accepting a royal palace invitation, the Queen Mother kicked me out of the Asante Palace because her favorite soap opera was starting.
I advocate modesty and human connection in an era that actively rejects those values. Our national leadership in Washington frames empathy as weakness and preaches American exceptionalism and isolationism. Add in the smartphone in every pocket: algorithm feeds are engineered to glorify only you, casting each person as the sole hero of their personal life journey.
Countless articles detail how isolated we’ve grown into personal bubbles, but the fix is straightforward: downplay your standout credentials—your fancy Harvard degree in your case—and you’ll finally connect with real people. This isn’t empty virtue-signaling; it’s the path toward more laughter, love and meaningful growth.
I struggle daily against my own vanity. It’s deeply ironic I stand here dressed in robes resembling a 12th-century Pope, accepting an honorary doctorate I never earned, while telling all of you to set aside status and accolades. Unsurprisingly, I have an enormous ego: just look at my show titles: Late Night with Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, Conan, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, Conan Must Go. I fought hard to rename today’s ceremony Conan O’Brien Presents: Harvard Commencement Starring Conan O’Brien.
Given all that ego, did I pause for even a second to decline this honorary doctorate after lecturing you to dismiss prestige? Did I tell President Garber my achievements belong to others and turn down the award? Not for one single second.
My grandfather, nicknamed Coofer, dropped out of seventh grade to financially support his family and worked as a traffic cop in western Massachusetts. His lifelong motto was simple: “Take whatever you’re offered, then ask for more.” He’s a core member of my big “multitude crew” of people who shaped me, and in his honor I’ll happily grab this doctorate and immediately ask President Garber if it comes with a cash payout.
Like every single one of you, I’m still a perpetual work in progress. Still, the values I’ve shared today have dramatically enriched my life.
So my wish for you isn’t that Harvard becomes the last thing people know about you, but that Harvard becomes the least important detail on your life resume. Your true education begins right now: through friends you’ve made and friends you haven’t met yet, through soaring successes and crushing defeats, and through humbly accepting your greatness stems directly from life’s messy, unpredictable chaos—not in spite of it.
From the bottom of my heart, congratulations, Class of 2026. I celebrate you not for the piece of paper you receive today, but for your relentless grit, your humanity, and the boundless communities you’ve built and will keep building in the years ahead.
Let’s commit today to walk forward together—and remember to watch Toy Story 5 in theaters starting June 19. Thank you!
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